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CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, June 5, 2000

by William Hamilton, Ph.D.

Getting tough on Tofu

Recently, three U.S. cabinet-level officials were seated on a stage in Washington as they prepared to speak at a worldwide conference on nutrition. As you probably know, your top elected and appointed officials are protected by well-armed security personnel. Millions of your tax dollars are spent each year to pay, arm and train these bodyguards so those under their protection can make speeches urging that the rest of us not be allowed “to keep and bear arms” for our own protection.

Despite the phalanx of armed guards surrounding U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, Dan Glickman, a woman armed with a Tofu Cream Pie was able to break through the concentric circles of armed protection, climb up on the stage and hurl her Tofu Cream Pie at Secretary Glickman. Fortunately, Secretary Glickman ducked and the Tofu Cream Pie only struck a glancing blow to his shoulder. An alert aide immediately took his Tofu-soiled suit coat away to be dry-cleaned with a solvent that was, no doubt, approved by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and will be disposed of in accordance with EPA guidelines.

Just how many people, not to mention high government officials, are killed or maimed by Tofu Cream Pies is unknown at this time. But in its unending quest to achieve a risk-free society, you can bet the Clinton Administration will launch a crusade to keep these potentially dangerous weapons out of the hands of ordinary citizens.

While this observer was not privy to the interrogation of the Tofu-tossing attacker, one can imagine how the questioning went. But due to the respect the White House and the Department of Defense have shown for individual privacy rights, we can only bring you the questions and not the answers.

“All right, young lady. Where did you purchase the Tofu you tossed at Secretary Glickman?

“Was the Tofu merchant a licensed Tofu dealer or did you purchase the Tofu from some unregulated Tofu street vendor?

“What was your state-of-mind when bought the Tofu?

“Did you buy the Tofu with the intent of inflicting harm upon an official of the U.S. Government?

“Young lady, we have your Tofu Cream Pie over at the FBI laboratory right now. If the FBI finds that you were using that Tofu to culture some kind of infectious bacteria, you are in big trouble.

“Do you know what the penalties are for failure to register bacteria-infected Tofu as a Weapon of Mass Destruction? Well, the penalties are even worse than the penalties the Clinton Administration imposes on criminals who use firearms in the commission of crimes such as murder, rape, kidnapping and robbery.

“Why, if convicted, I’ll bet you’ll be required to undergo two, maybe even three, slaps on the wrist and forced to say six, maybe even seven, ‘I’m sorrys.’ So, young lady, do you think this is funny? Wipe that smile off your face! We are not fooling around here nor have other governments gone easy on the likes of you in the past.

“In 1922, Turkey disarmed the Armenians and eliminated 1.5 million of them between 1915 and 1917.

“In 1929, Stalin imposed mandatory weapons control and between 1929 and 1953 was able to eliminate 20 million Ukrainians who were using up too much precious food.

“China disarmed private citizens in 1935. Between 1948 and 1952 over 20 million anti-Communists were eliminated.

“Hitler installed weapons control in 1938 and by 1945 eliminated 13 million unarmed people, to include six million Jews.

“In 1956, private gun ownership was banned in Cambodia and between 1975 and 1977 over one million Cambodians were taken to the ‘killing fields.’

“Uganda established weapons control and between 1971 and 1979, over 300,000 unarmed Christians were slaughtered.

“So, if you think we’ll stop at just confiscating your pitiful, little Tofu Cream Pie, you’ve got another think coming. No ma’am, no one is going to be able to accuse Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Janet Reno of being soft on Tofu.”

William Hamilton is a nationally syndicated columnist and a featured commentator for USA Today.

©1999-2024. American Press Syndicate.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:


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