CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, August 2, 1999

Longing for some good news?

Then, I realized the quickest way to read some good news is to write some good news. This part of this column is true: our dear friend, Joy Henderson, underwent some complicated heart surgery last week. Wonder Wife prayed for Joy, her husband Bud and their children. This observer took a more pragmatic approach. I prayed that her surgeons and the operating-room staff would have the strength, skill and courage to operate successfully. They did. Thank you, Lord.

This time of year in the high country, we don’t watch much television. Too many outdoor things to do and, with two Old English Sheepdog puppies, too many chores. Of course, the news coverage of the Kennedy tragedy was so powerful it seeped through and we mourned along with the rest of the nation.

Then, because I figured watching TV or reading the papers would not help us find any good news, I decided to make some up. Here goes:

A shift in the orbit of one of Planet Earth’s neighbors brought an end to the current heat wave. According to meteorologists in Boulder, Colorado, this shift means the entire nation will forever enjoy temperatures averaging 72 degrees F and 50 percent humidity. Ski country will be the only exception where powder snow will fall every night followed by bright, sunny days. Coloradans will be able to ski whenever they feel like it in perfect conditions.

The Colorado General Assembly passed a law against further in-migration of people from outside the state and the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the law on a 9-0 vote.

The FAA-certified inspector, who performed the annual inspection on our aircraft, found zero deficiencies, gave me an instrument check ride and I passed.

The Congress passed sweeping reforms affecting the health-care insurance industry. The reforms are designed to stop insurers from “stone-walling” patients with legitimate claims in the hope they will give up and go away. One provision makes highly-paid health-care insurance executives personally liable if one of their policyholders dies or suffers bodily harm because the company would not pay for needed preventive care.

Scientists at the Los Alamos Atomic Weapons Laboratories discovered the cures for: the common cold, influenza, periodontal disease, cancer, AIDS and heart disease. The world is fortunate these discoveries took place at Los Alamos because any attempts to keep secret the formulas on which the cures are based are doomed to failure.

The United Nations reduced the salaries of its 100 top officials by half and sent the savings to the Sudan where it was used to pay off the entire Sudanese national debt.

A massive education campaign to cause 100 percent of American motorists to understand that the little stick coming out of the left side of the steering column is a turn signal reached its goal. A continuing education program will address how and when to use the turn signal.

Gun control advocates discovered that more gun-control laws which will only be obeyed by the already law-abiding are not the answer and began to focus their time and energies on more substantive issues, such as putting the criminals who use guns for illegal purposes behind bars.

O.J. tracked down the person who killed his former wife and her friend and turned himself in.

Although retired Denver Bronco quarterback, John Elway, had to come from the stands in civilian clothes to finish the final touchdown drive, Bubby Brister, led the Denver Broncos to a third consecutive Super Bowl championship.

We went through an entire week without our youngest puppy having an accident in the house or throwing up.

Remember, unlike Dave Barry, I AM making this up.

William Hamilton, a nationally syndicated columnist, lives in Grand County, Colorado.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:

Email: william@central-view.com