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CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, April 22, 2019

by William Hamilton, Ph.D.

Border crisis: A call for help

Satire. "Good morning, Sanctuary Services. How may I help you?"

"Hello. My name is Colt Ryder. I’m a rancher down here on the border with Mexico. My folks been on this land since 1849."

"Mr. Ryder, I am sure that is all very interesting; however, what’s your problem?"

"Well, ma’am, we are being overrun by these illegal immigrants, although folks up north call them migrants. Right now, they are gathered around the watering tank for our cattle. My wife and I have been out there talking to them. You live down here, you speak the lingo.

"Look, we sure don’t mind them drinking the water. The poor people look terribly dehydrated. My wife’s still out there, giving them some C-rations we keep around the house in case of emergencies. And I’d say this is an emergency!"

"Mr. Ryder, could you please describe these people? That might give me an idea as to who they are."

"Well, there’s two women who look like they are about to domino at any minute."

"Mr. Ryder. Do you mean give birth? If so, please do not use cowboy slang. The moment they give birth on American soil, they are U.S. Citizens. Please, accord some dignity to brand-new U.S. Citizens."

"Yeah, well. The women told my wife that they paid a lot of money to Coyotes to get them on American soil so they could give birth."

"Tell me about the others."

"Two teenage girls who have that thousand-yard stare like they been raped. My wife says the girls been promised jobs in massage parlors in south Florida. Two mean-looking Coyotes are hiding over in the mesquite brush. They are looking daggers at my wife. Fortunately, I am not the only Colt around here."

"Who else is in your yard drinking your water and eating C-rations?"

"Two young males have back packs. I figure they are drug mules. Asked me about the closest Western Union Office. Like they’re gonna wire money back to Mexico. There’s also a bunch from Venezuela who say they are seeking asylum from the dictator, Maduro.

"I asked them why they didn’t try to cross our northern border? They said Canada has a First Safe Country Agreement with the U.S. If they had gotten to Canada, they would have to apply for asylum in Canada which doesn’t offer as many freebies as the U.S. I reckon we need that kind of agreement with Mexico."

"Are there any others on your land?"

"Yes, there’s some people who claim they are fleeing from Communist Cuba and seeking asylum in the USA."

"Mr. Ryder. Asylum from a peoples’ paradise such as Cuba is not needed. I thought President Obama made that clear. Besides, Mr. Ryder, I am not clear why you are calling Sanctuary Services."

"According to your website, Sanctuary Services represents the cities that have declared themselves sanctuary cities. Aren’t you supposed to help these immigrants reach the cities you represent?"

"Heavens, no, Mr. Ryder. We are a public relations firm. Our job is to help sanctuary cities virtue-signal their love for their fellow human beings. We have nothing to with transporting illegal immigrants to sanctuary cities. In fact, we’d be fired! Goodbye."

©2019. William Hamilton.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Military Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: the Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017). "Central View," can also be seen at:

©1999-2024. American Press Syndicate.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:


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