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CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, March 11, 2019

by William Hamilton, Ph.D.

The Soylent Green New Deal

Satire. After her Soylent Green New Deal passed the Democrat- and RINO-controlled Congress, President Alexandriavitch (AKA the Red Queen), called her cabinet to order."Commissars, please report. Letís start with Agriculture."

"Comrade President, the conversion from traditional foods to the Soylent Green Nutrition Wafers is going well; however, due to the reduction in atmospheric carbon dioxide, photosynthesis has declined. Consequently, the oceans are not producing the plankton needed to make the Soylent Green Wafers. To replace plankton, we are feeding flatulence-producing Cows into the Soylent Green Processor. Unfortunately, we are running out of Cows. I propose to replace the Cows with Rhinos."

"Comrade Commissar, I forbid the use of RINOs! I am indebted to the RINOs. They betrayed the GOP!

"Comrade President, I meant the animal: Rhinocerotidae."

"Sorry, I misunderstood. Anyway, whatís this Old Wivesí Tale about plants needing carbon dioxide (CO2) to make the oxygen we breathe?"

"Comrade President, we have yet to stamp out Catholic schools, private schools, and charter schools. Consequently, the conversion from Newtonian Science to Algorian Science is not complete. In fact, I am thinking photosynthesis might be actual science."

"I donít give a flying fig about Newton!" shouted the Red Queen. "Maybe, I should put you in the Soylent Green Processor!

"But, now, I want to hear from Homeland Security."

"Comrade President, Your edict against Caucasian reproduction is causing a drop in population. Meanwhile, your íopen bordersí policy is making up for the drop in population, providing us with enough new voters to ensure your continued reign, forever."

"Thank you. Now, Justice Commissar. What about surveillance?"

"Comrade President, all of the online search engines available to the Proletarians have been programmed so that all online searches lead to government-approved Soylent Green New Deal doctrine, research, and favorable news stories.

"All of the in-home security cameras, the Alexa-type devices, and the cameras hidden in TV sets are netted together so we know what every Proletarian is thinking, what they are viewing on TV, and what they are saying among themselves. We even know where some of them are hiding their personal firearms.

"Thanks to Comrades Nadler and Schiff, we will soon be able to use legal costs to bankrupt anyone who has so much as shaken hands with any of the Trumpians."

"Great report. Thank you. Now, we turn to Transportation."

"Comrade President, because there are no more private automobiles, aircraft, and cruise ships polluting our atmosphere, carbon dioxide levels have plummeted. The Proletarians are adjusting to walking and riding bicycles and to riding the state-run electric bus and train systems which operate quite well unless, of course, the sun isnít visible or the wind is not blowing. Hawaii, cut off by air and sea, is no longer a State and is now under the Department of Defense."

"Thank you. Letís hear from our Defense Commissar."

"Comrade President, We raised the cap on how many pregnant sailors can serve on our warships from 25-percent to 50-percent non-deployables. Granted, in wartime, that cuts our fleet in half; however, we achieve an enormous reduction in fossil-fuel emissions."

"Thank you for saving Planet Earth. Now, our only remaining problem is to quench the rumor that Soylent Green is people. Dismissed."

©2019. William Hamilton.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Military Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, and the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: the Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017). "Central View," can also be seen at:

©1999-2024. American Press Syndicate.

Dr. Hamilton can be contacted at:


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