The President Turns Politically Correct
An imaginary press conference with our 45th President: "Members of the media, I have called this press conference to apologize for my inability to communicate with you. My speech writers tell me to speak to people in the language they understand and, therefore, I should adopt Politically Correct (PC) speech. I am new at this PC business, so please bear with me.
"At my side today are two key members of my cabinet: ’Rabies-afflicted’ James Mattis (you thought I was going to say ’Mad Dog,’ didn’t you?) and ’T-Rex’ Tillerson whose steely glare strikes fear into the hearts of those cookie pushers...oops...I ’m sorry... still new at PC...strikes fear into the hearts of those non-fly-overland-raised diplomats in Foggy Bottom. I can still say Foggy Bottom, can’t I?
"These gentlemen are helping our nation deal with the threat posed by the rocket- and calorie-enhanced, vertically challenged, and tonsorially afflicted Dear Leader of North Korea.
"Stop! You there in the front row! I can see what you are scribbling. Please do not write that I said that Rocket Man is fat, short and has a terrible haircut. I’m trying to be PC here. And I want credit for that.
"Over in the Congress, I have to tell you I am satisfaction-deprived with my party’s motivationally dispossessed leadership and their allegiance to chronologically gifted rules that do not make sense to those who would like a more timely approach to making America great again. They are, however, opposed by the niceness-deprived and factually unencumbered leaders of the other party and by the overly unattractive former titular head of their party whom I defeated in the presidential election.
"You there in the back row! Don’t you dare write that I called the Democrat leaders nasty and uninformed. Or, that I said my former opponent is ugly. But she is reality challenged, lacks cognitive accommodation, and her husband is amorally challenged. Wait! Don’t print that, either!
"Okay. Now, where were we? Oh yes. I want to extend best wishes to the muscularly enhanced Russian strong man, Vladimir Putin, on the recent 100th anniversary of Communism. Without doubt, no other system of government has done more to rid the world of planet-polluting, resource-consuming Homo Sapiens. If those almost 100 million people had been allowed to live, global warming might actually have some basis in fact.
"Finally, I am asking my hair follicularly challenged National Security Adviser to conclude this briefing by recounting how having to write ’radical Islam is our enemy’ on his green board 100 times has helped his understanding of the global challenges we face.
"In the days and years ahead, please make it your task to try to understand what I am trying to tell you. Try to read my Tweets in the context in which they are written. If you will do that for me, I will try to stop calling you the manufacturers of factually incorrect news items, i.e., fake news.
"Okay. Now, your most senior member is supposed to jump up and say, ’Thank you, Mr. President,’ and I am supposed to leave."
"Thank you, Mr. President."
[The 45th President of the United States returns to the Oval Office.]
©2017. William Hamilton.
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Nebraska Aviation Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame, and was a recipient of the University of Nebraska 2015 Alumni Achievement Award. Dr. Hamilton is the author of The Wit and Wisdom of William Hamilton: The Sage of Sheepdog Hill, Pegasus Imprimis Press (2017).
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