CENTRAL VIEW for Monday, November 14, 2016

Breaking News: Canada may build wall

Satire. Whenever possible, it is the practice of "Central View" to provide attribution to other writers. Unfortunately, the author of what follows is unknown. Edited only for space and clarity, here is his or her satirical approach to the presidential election of 2016:

"The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential [victory] is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution.

Canadian border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and ’green’ energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

’I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,’ said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. ’He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?’

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

’These people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,’ an Alberta border patrolman said. ’I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any Gemelli [a type of pasta] with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley cabernet and some kale chips.’

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers. Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. ’If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,’ an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD’s, and are overloading the Internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones. ’I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,’ an Ottawa resident said. ’After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?"

Okay. Enough satire. Next week, we’ll suggest a list of cabinet and sub-cabinet appointments for President Trump.

Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame, and is a recipient of the University of Nebraska 2015 Alumni Achievement Award. He was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the Army Language School, the George Washington University, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.

©2016. William Hamilton.

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