The Ghosts of Christmas Future
Satire based on Charles Dickens and Dave Barry: Too much Christmas Prime Rib and Yorkshire Pudding probably caused this dream foretelling the events of 2016:
January. All but two of the GOP presidential candidates drop out, moving to Florida to "spend more beach time with their families." Florida resident, Marco Rubio, remains in the race and names Carly Fiorina to run as vice president. Carly relocates to Ohio. February. Tom Brady completes a 102-yard pass to win Super Bowl 50. Coach Bill Belichick explains that "atmospheric conditions," not Helium, affected the football. March. As everyone knows, March is National Frozen Food Month which is of keen interest to former Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl who is convicted of desertion and misbehavior before the enemy and sent to perform Kitchen Police (KP) duties in the U.S. Penitentiary at Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas. April. The highlight of National Walk to Work Month occurs when Mrs. Bill Clinton names former President Bill Clinton her running mate. (Recall, this is a nightmare. Okay?). May. To celebrate National Salad Month, NASCAR and the Kentucky Derby merge. Derby Day is won by the filly, Miss Mint Julep, ridden by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Although June is National Adopt a Cat Month, July is National Cell Phone Courtesy Month, August is National Catfish Month, and September is National Blueberry Popsicle Month (who says Congress never gets anything done?), nothing happens until:
October. Mrs. Bill Clinton is indicted for violating the U.S. Espionage Act. She and her husband are replaced on the Democratic ticket by Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. Later, Mrs. Clinton is convicted under 18 U.S. Code, Section 793 for gathering, transmitting, and losing defense information with her private e-mail server. She is sent to the politically correct, trans-gender Ft. Leavenworth prison to share a cell with Bowe Bergdahl where they spend the long hours, hoping for a presidential pardon.
November. Elected president and vice president, Marco Rubio and Carly Fiorina offer high posts to former rivals: Lindsay Graham, Secretary of Defense; Jeb Bush, Secretary of State; Donald Trump, Secretary of Treasury; Mike Huckabee, Social Security Administration; Dr. Ben Carson, Surgeon General; Chris Christie, Attorney General; Rick Santorum, Health and Human Services, John Kasich, Home Land Security; Dr. Rand Paul, IRS Commissioner; Elizabeth Warren, Indian Affairs; and Ted Cruz is to be nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court.
December. Vladimir Putin invites Bernie Sanders and his wife to return to the Soviet Union to resume their honeymoon. For the convenience of the FSB (formerly KGB), the Sanders are provided an all-electric sedan, limiting their travel to within 120 miles of Moscow. U.N. Secretary-General Nominee, President Barack Obama, pardons Bowe Bergdahl and Mrs. Bill Clinton.
January, 19, 2017. President Obama pardons himself for any past, present, and future violations of the U.S. Constitution. On January 20, 2017, President Rubio is inaugurated and rescinds: the nuclear non-agreement with Iran, ObamaCare (related to mandated contraception), and all U.S. government regulations promulgated over the previous eight years. The Vatican immediately asks the faithful for evidence of any further miracles that might lead toward sainthood for an American President.
Darn. Just as the dream was getting interesting, the alarm clock rings...
Nationally syndicated columnist, William Hamilton, is a laureate of the Oklahoma Journalism Hall of Fame, the Colorado Aviation Hall of Fame, the Oklahoma University Army ROTC Wall of Fame, and is a recipient of the University of Nebraska 2015 Alumni Achievement Award. He was educated at the University of Oklahoma, the George Washington University, the Infantry School, the U.S Naval War College, the University of Nebraska, and Harvard University.
©2015. William Hamilton.
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