NSA eavesdrops on Osama and Abdul...
Imagine this telephone conversation:
“Greetings Abdul. This is Osama. Do you have that nuclear weapon in position?”
“Well, I did. But one of those Nuclear Emergency Support Team (NEST) vehicles was sniffing around and we had to move it away from the D.C. area. Also, maybe we shouldn’t be discussing such things on the telephone. According to the New York Times, the National Security Agency (NSA) is monitoring international telephone calls between people the NSA, the CIA and the FBI think are terrorists.”
“That’s old news Abdul. The Americans have been running their ESCHELON and CARNIVORE telephone monitoring program since 1978 and President Carter. But don’t worry about this conversation. By the time the Americans get a warrant from their Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) Court, we will have signed off and changed our locations. Besides, the Americans already think we have an atomic bomb in place. They just can’t find it. Besides, if you are arrested, they can’t use these conversations in court against you. But don’t let your men visit anymore porno web sites. NSA can detect it, and that gives our movement a bad name.”
“Yes, Osama. But that’s a minor issue compared to moving that cursed nuclear weapon around to keep those NEST teams from finding it.”
“Patience, Abdul, patience. Just keep moving it from private residence to private residence and the Americans won’t be able to get search warrants fast enough to keep up. The ACLU will keep that Bush infidel tied up in court. Trust me on this. I’ve studied the Americans. When the going gets tough, some of them cut and run for the tall grass.”
“Okay, Osama, but what do I do now?”
“When you get that bomb back in position, give me a call and I’ll let you know when it’s time to detonate. But I can’t allow you to destroy Washington right now because the Americans might decide to get serious about their so-called War on Terror. What are you reading and hearing from the American media?”
“The regular American people are still supporting their troops in the field and seeking our defeat; however, the American media and the elite politicians are making inroads against the war. But if the Americans kill you, I fear for our jihad against them.”
“Abdul, my son, that’s why you and your nuclear weapon are there. If we can’t win our battle for Capitol Hill and our forces are defeated in the field, that’s when you’ll receive the order to use your bomb. While I’m in Paradise enjoying the 72 virgins, I can look down on Washington and see the mushroom cloud rising above it.”
“May Allah protect you, Osama. But we may be able to take Capitol Hill. If you can recruit enough suicide bombers and keep this war going long enough, I think the cut-and-runners might hand us the victory we aren’t winning in the field.”
“That’s called snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. The Americans are good at that.”
“Oops, Osama, I’ve got to hang up! Someone is ringing my door bell and there’s a strange looking van parked at the curb. Got to run! Bye.”
For those of you in Rush Limbaugh’s Rio Linda, the foregoing was not real. Sort of satire noir, as the French might say. But speaking of Rush, your faithful observer is beginning to think Limbaugh is correct when he says it will take two or three more 9/11s before America wakes up to the fact that we are in a war to the death. We didn’t seek it. But we have no choice but to win it.
As always, the first column of the New Year will carry some predictions, to include the one I fear most: Iran’s nuclear weapons capability will grow to the point that it provokes a preemptive strike by the Israeli Defense Force. The consequences of that are almost beyond imagination.
William Hamilton, a syndicated columnist, a featured commentator for USA Today and self-described “recovering lawyer and philosopher,” is the co-author of The Grand Conspiracy and The Panama Conspiracy – two thrillers about terrorism directed against the United States.
©2005. William Hamilton.