Secret message from Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
“Dear Brethren and Fellow Jihadists: May the blessings of Osama fall upon you like the nuclear/chemical/biological rains we plan for the Americans and the Jews.
“I bear both bad news and good news. The bad news is: In Iraq, the infidel Americans and British have killed over 55,000 of our comrades. Moreover, millions of Iraqis (who have yet to grasp of our vision of a world devoid of Christians and Jews), have flocked to their polling places to adopt a written Constitution that allows the dreaded Kurds and the feckless Shiites and even the Sunnis to vote. Even worse, women are allowed to vote. I spit upon that idea.
“The allied forces have become extremely difficult targets, forcing us to attack ‘soft’ targets. While the death of women and children is regrettable, we now own Spain and we are working on France. Unfortunately, the British are like bulldogs.
“Good news: While you know we cannot defeat the United States by force of either conventional or unconventional arms, I can report great progress in getting some prominent U.S. elected officials to espouse the idea that withdrawal to a Fortress America will end our attacks. Right.
“I am especially pleased with Senators Harry Reid and Edward Kennedy and Congresswoman (I can’t believe the Americans permit women to hold such high office) Nancy Pelosi. In fact, we are so grateful to Senator Kennedy that our facility for training Jihadist swimmers will be named in his honor.
“We are grateful to a number of RINOS (no brethren I have not forgotten how to spell rhinoceros). I allude to those Republicans In Name Only whose personal political ambitions lead them to abandon their party principles so they can gain exposure on the liberal-media-run television programs. Thank Osama, we have al Jazeera and do not have to beg for air time.
“But if you are captured and are taken to some secret location used by the CIA beware: An operative of the CIA may actually slap you across the face with a hand that most likely has been used to ladle morsels of pork into the mouth of your captor. I have reports that the CIA will throw buckets of cold water upon their captives instead of allowing them to have the long, hot showers the Marines inflict upon their detainees in tropical Guantanamo Bay. Even worse, and I know this violates the Geneva Convention and can only be authorized at the highest levels of the CIA, your captured brethren are forced to go without sleep while listening 24/7 to the rapper Eminem’s ‘Slim Shady’ CD – a clear violation of the U.S. Constitution’s 8th Amendment prohibition against ‘cruel and unusual’ punishment.
“By contrast, we do not engage in such long, drawn-out tortures of the infidels who fall into our hands. Using techniques handed down from the time of Suleiman the Magnificent, we quickly end their suffering and the concerns of their loved ones by showing their severed heads on al Jazeera TV.
“I know most of you don’t have refrigerators or those yellow, sticky notes to do as some of our ‘useful idiots’ in America are doing: They post the number: 2,986. That is how many infidels we killed on 9/11. When you kill 2,986 Americans in Iraq, they will trumpet your accomplishments, saying the so-called War on Terror is in vain. Let that inspire you to kill even more Americans so the magic number of 2,986 can be reached even more quickly.
“Meanwhile, my brothers, do not lose heart. I guarantee you that what we cannot win on the battlefield we can win on the TV screens and the newspapers of America. You can count on some of their politicians to ‘cut and run’ for the reporters who share their point of view. May Osama be with you.
-- Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, HMFIC (untranslatable)
PS: Do not forget about those 72 virgins.”
William Hamilton, a syndicated columnist, a featured commentator for USA Today and self-described “recovering lawyer and philosopher,” is the co-author of The Grand Conspiracy and The Panama Conspiracy – two thrillers about terrorism directed against the United States.
©2005. William Hamilton.