DORK: White House Plan for the G’itmo Detainees
The White House
June 20, 2005
Dear Senator Durbin:
Thank you for your recent speech criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba (also known as Club G’itmo), and comparing it to Stalin’s Gulags and Hitler’s extermination camps for the Jews.
Due to the concerns of liberals like you, we are creating a new terrorist re-training program: "Doves Offering to Re-train Killers,” or DORK, for short. In accordance with DORK, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Next Monday, Amed, your personal DORK detainee, will arrive at your home.
Although your Senate speech demanded that our Marines take a kinder, gentler approach to the Club G’itmo detainees, I might suggest that you hire some armed caretakers for Amed. As you might put it, Amed has an “attitude” problem. Undoubtedly, you will want to offer Amed some home schooling. Because his Jihadist school only taught killing, that’s probably a good idea.
Be aware your assigned terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat. He can extinguish human life with such simple items as a ball point pen. In fact, you might ask him to demonstrate these skills at the leadership caucus for your side of the Senate aisle. Amed is also expert at making a wide variety of improvised explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) that might offend him.
Other than sexually, Amed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters. That’s because he views females as a sub-human form of property to be used, bought, sold or discarded. For sure, he will try to convert your sons to his religion, so have lots of copies of the Koran on hand. But keep them where the wind cannot blow unpleasant liquids upon them.
He loves to read Newsweek, The New York Times, The Washington Post and The Los Angeles Times. Apparently, their world view agrees with his. But do not expose him to The Fox News Channel or The Washington Times. Seeing or reading both sides of the news confuses him.
Amed is now accustomed to clean water to drink and to use for his daily shower. Having clean clothes, albeit orange in color, was a new experience for Amed. But he’s coping. He likes having his own prayer rug, a flush toilet with paper, three meals a day prepared in accordance with his religion, and the opportunity to pray five times per day. He may become very angry if you deny him what he is used to at Club G’itmo. Also, please point out the direction of Mecca from your home. Otherwise, he gets confused.
If you choose to allow Amed to watch al Jazeera TV, his favorite, be advised the beheadings of westerners and Iraqi civilians may upset your children. That is assuming they are still at home because Amed could conspire to have your children abducted. If that happens, please do not speak sternly to him or deprive him of any of his privileges in an attempt to get him to reveal where his colleagues may have taken your kids. He won’t confess, and it will only cause you to lose face with your fellow liberals.
We truly appreciate it when U.S. Senators like you, who know so much, (but have never been to Club G’itmo and never served a day in our Armed Forces ), keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.
Finally, thanks for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the liberal leadership in the U.S. Senate. And, thanks for prompting us to think of DORK. Your name will be forever associated with it.
GEORGE W. BUSH
You can obtain some really neat Club G’itmo leisure wear at www.rushlimbaugh.com.
William Hamilton, a syndicated columnist, a featured commentator for USA Today and self-described “recovering lawyer and philosopher,” is the co-author of The Grand Conspiracy and The Panama Conspiracy – two thrillers about terrorism directed against the United States.
©2005. William Hamilton.