Some Cajun advice for John Kerry
This anonymous bit of humor came by e-mail. It is edited only for length:
“Dear Senator Kerry
I am the Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryls Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It aint so much we like you or your Party… we [just] dont want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you:
1. QUIT TELLING US THAT YOU SERVED IN NAM… Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, just four months? Some of us Daryls Bait Shop guys spent more time than that in chow lines in Nam.
2. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT. Admit you threw… medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in 71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. Weve made a few….
3. TALK FRENCH TO FRENCH REPORTERS , IF YOU WANT TO. Its OK, we dont mind. Smilin Jack Boudreaux can speak French too, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. Were not bigots….
4. BRAG ABOUT YOUR GOOD LUCK IN SNAGGIN NOT ONE, BUT TWO RICH WIVES. Here at Daryls we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy….You dont have to cook all of that ketchup, do you? Come on, tell the world how lucky you are. We here in South Louisiana respect achievement and dont begrudge someones good fortune, even if hes a politician.
5. GO TO THE WRASSLIN MATCHES AND HUSTLE VOTES. … [But} you got to tread easy on showing youre Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to a Swiss prep school and St. Pauls School and Yale College Skull & Bones. Wed see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. Dont go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your many living rooms. Werent none of us that recently fell off a turnip truck.
6. TELL US SOMETHING THAT YOURE FOR. We already know what youre against.
7. QUIT BOWING IN THE DIRECTION OF THE U.N. AND PROMISING TO GO THERE FIRST THING, IF YOU ARE ELECTED PRESIDENT. We aint all that impressed with the UN and we dont know why you are. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didnt they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, like BILLIONS OF DOLLARS that was skimmed off that just happened to land in their personal bank accounts?…
8. QUIT FLIP-FLOPPING. If youre for lower gasoline prices in the morning, dont be proposing a 50-cents a gallon tax increase on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge dont inspire us with confidence in you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with, especially since youve missed 89% of the roll call votes this year.
9. QUIT TELLING US HOW POOR AND UNEMPLOYED WE ARE. We got indoor toilets, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us Cajuns some credit ….We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us were miserable … gives us the distinct feeling that youre hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.
10. GET IN TOUCH WITH THE REAL AMERICA. …You still seem out of touch with your party and with America. We all think the best thing you can do is … take off for Sturgis. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryls will be there. Yall dont have to get tattooed. We promise.
William Hamilton, a syndicated columnist and featured commentator for USA Today, checks his e-mail about a dozen times a day. Sometimes, that nets some real gems.